Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it...

Sometimes I wonder what my identity lies in. I not a musician or an artist. I don't really do anything so well that you could label me by it. I guess I can be considered a Jack-of-all-trades type of person since I'm into a lot of things but none are so dominant you could say "Hey there's Ronnie, he's a ________". But why is identity important? We all have different talents and skills, what others are strong in I may be weak in and vice versa, but why do I strive to be known through these talents and abilities? Why don't I strive to find my identity in Christ? For it is by Him that anything that I do has any importance. It doesn't matter if Im an athlete or a musician or a sculptor if that is my sole identity. I could be considered nothing by the worlds standard, but considered everything by Christ's. The core of my being should not be built out of my talents and abilities because it is Christ who gave me those in the first place, but rather, my core should be built out of who I am in Him and me striving to better understand that identity...

Friday, May 19, 2006

Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light...

Short story continued:

The next day the Boy went to the wall at the usual meeting time, but the Girl was not there, so he waited. She still did not come, and so the Boy left thinking that she was probably busy. He went the next day, but again the Girl was not there. He began to worry that something was wrong. Maybe she didn't want to talk to him anymore he wondered. But then he told himself to stop over-analyzing everything. He told himself to stop being a "girl". So the Boy went home hoping that the Girl would be there the next night. The next night came and the Boy went to the wall as usual and this time the Girl was there. He asked her why she hadn't been there the other nights. The Girl said that she realized that she had been talking to him at the wall way too much and that she needed to cut back. This surprised the Boy, and immediately there was an awkward silence. The Boy wanting the silence to end decided to bring up his feelings about the Girl. He told the Girl how he liked her and thought that was she was an amazing person, and hoped that they could be something more than just friends. The Girl responded that she did not feel the same way about the Boy. This shocked the Boy who had thought for sure the Girl liked him. He asked her why she talked to him so often and so much if she didn't like him. The Girl said that she did like him at one time, but that she didn't like him anymore. The Boy was speechless and unsure of how to respond to this. The Girl told him that she thought he was a great guy and still wanted to talk to him at the wall. The Boy, at a lost for words and real thought, simply replied maybe. The Girl said she didn't want to lead him on and she said she wanted to tell him all this before he got hurt, but it was too late. The Boy, sad and heartbroken, left the wall and went home.

It was two weeks before the Boy ever made any contact with the Girl. During those two weeks the Boy thought about the Girl a lot. He was very confused about the whole situation because he was quite certain that she liked him. He began to wonder if something was wrong with him because the Girl liked him when she talked with him for hours and hours at the wall, but when she met him in person her feelings changed. He also wondered exactly when her feelings changed, but he figured he would never really get an answer to those questions. One day he decided that he still wanted to be friends with the Girl. He realized that he cherished their friendship and did not want to lose it over something like this. He also felt like he was being rude by cutting off communication from her. So the Boy decided to write the Girl a letter, which he had another servant boy deliver to her. In the letter the Boy said that it was a tough two weeks not talking to her, and that he missed talking to her at the wall. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and that her friendship was important to him, He said that he knew things could never be the same but that he didn't want to lose her over this. The Girl wrote back to the Boy and said that they did not have to be strangers and that the Boy could write to her "now and then". She also said it would be okay if he gave her an "update" about his life once in a while. This really saddened the Boy because once again he had shared his heart only to be hurt. The Boy did not expect a letter with such a lack of feeling and emotion from the Girl. He had hoped that she at least had missed him and/or their talks, but the Girl had said nothing about them. It was as if the change in the relationship was no big deal to her. The Boy wrote her again and said that he hoped they could keep contact more frequently then "now and then" and that he hoped to see her at the wall some time. The Girl did not reply back.

A week went by and the Boy wrote the Girl a letter just to say hello, and the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. Another week went by and the Boy again wrote a letter to say hello and see how she was, and again the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. A few times the Boy went to the wall in hopes he might run into the Girl, but he never did. The Boy didn't really know what to think of the situation because the Girl seemed to have no interest in being friends with him. Then a week later the Girl wrote him a letter for 3 straight days. This really confused the Boy because the Girl seemed to not want to write to him, and then suddenly she was, and writing a lot. The last letter had asked for an "update". The Boy had gotten sick recently, and so he told the Girl about that, and she wrote back and said she hoped he felt better soon. A few days later the Girl wrote to him and said that she would be at the wall that night. The Boy, excited and nervous because he hadn't talked to the Girl in so long, ran off to the wall, but again she did not show. The Boy, distraught and confused, went back to the castle. He did not understand what was going on with her. The Girl was the one who said she still wanted to be friends and talk with him at the wall, but she had shown no effort whatsoever. Their conversations were at one time frequent, deep, and fun, but now the Boy had been downgraded to "now and then" letters and "updates". How a relationship that was once so fruitful and alive could abruptly become so withered and dead was beyond his grasp. She never talked to him at the wall even though she was the one who wanted to continue those talks. It was if she no longer cared.

The Boy began to realize that he just needed to let the Girl go. Even though he still cared about her and wanted to salvage their relationship in whatever way he could, he knew that he could not make the Girl want to be friends with him. The saddest part about the whole ordeal was that it seemed as if the Boy had wasted those two months he spent talking to the Girl at the wall. They seemed to have such great chemistry and so much fun together, but unfortunately it did not work out for the best. The Boy hopes and wishes the best for the Girl, and he hopes that maybe one day things will change and maybe they can be friends, but that's all he can do; hope and wait...

The End

His smile's your rope, so wrap it tight around your throat...

Short story continued:

One day the King asked the Boy to go into the village to do some errands for him. He told the Girl about it, and said that he would finally like to meet and talk without the wall in the way. He told the Girl he would leave early and get the errands done and then ride over and meet her by her castle. Her castle was not on the way to the village, but the Boy believed that if he left early enough he could make it over to her and then back to his castle in plenty of time. The Girl agreed and they met that night outside of her castle. The Boy was very excited and nervous at the same time. When she arrived they chatted for a bit and then the boy gave her a gift because it had been her birthday 2 weeks earlier and the gift he had for her would not fit through the hole in the way. The Girl was very pleased with the gift, and she was quite thankful. The Boy and Girl began to walk around the forest together under the starry sky, and they stopped to sit on a rock. The conversation was just as good and fun as it was by the wall. The Boy began to realize that he really liked the Girl, but was still hesitant to say anything for fear that she didn't feel the same. The Girl began to get cold and so they walked back to her castle and went into the stable to stay warm. They continued talking for another couple hours until it was very late, and so they both departed. Just before he left the girl invited him to come over in two days to have dinner with her and friends.

The Boy was very excited to see the Girl again and after playing cards with his best friend for a few hours he decided to start out on his journey over to the Girl's castle. Dinner went really well, and he enjoyed talking with the Girl's friends. After dinner they all had some tea. The Girl liked her tea extra hot, and she placed her tea next to the Boy's. When the Boy reached for his tea he accidently knocked over the Girl's extra hot tea and it spilled all over her lap. The Girl began to scream and squirm as the hot tea soaked through her knickers and touched her skin. The Boy, very embarrassed, ran and got a towel and tried to clean it up the best he could. After the initial shock and sting ended the Boy apologized and they had a good laugh about it. The Boy offered to get her another cup of tea, but the Girl declined all decided to go out into the forest for a walk, however, the Girl stated she would only go if nobody made any jokes about the spilling of tea since it had gotten all over her clothes. As they began walking the Girl's two friends began walking very quickly and then suddenly there were so far in front of them they could barely be seen. The Boy thought this was odd because suddenly they were alone, and he thought that maybe this was a good time to share his feelings, but he still waited because he felt he would be rushed. Their walk took them along some little cottages where they could see into the homes and see what the people were doing. The Girl was very intrigued by what people were doing in their homes and she kept peering in and watching. The Boy thought this was very strange. Along the way they spotted different animals including a raccoon in a tree. As they began to walk back to the castle the Girl's friends yelled at them to watch out for a skunk, and so they moved out of that path and onto another one. When they got back they all sat and talked for a while and then the Boy departed. As he rode back home the Boy thought about the Girl and how much he liked her. He decided that the next time they spoke at the wall he would bring up his feelings because he was sure that the Girl felt the same way.

To be continued in the next blog...

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one...

A short story:

Once upon a time there was a servant boy who lived in a Castle and worked for a king. Everyday after serving the King he would go for walks in the surrounding forrest. One day he came across the large stone wall that bordered the King's land. He heard the voice of a young girl calling him to come over to the wall. Curiously, he walked over to the wall the and noticed there was a crack in the it the size of his fist. He looked through the crack and on the other side was a young girl with blond hair and blue eyes. The Boy thought the Girl was very pretty. They began talking, and it turned out the Girl actually was a servant for the King who lived on the other side of the large stone wall. They talked for quite a while, and then it got late and so the Girl said she needed to get back. They both decided they would come back to the wall the next day. They soon began going to the wall to talk almost everyday.

The Boy and Girl really enjoyed talking to one another. They talked about everything: life, love, past relationships, funny and embarrassing stories, sports, movies, and music. They would talk for hours on end. Many times the Girl would say she had to go because it was getting late, but the Boy would start on a new topic and the Girl would stay for a little while longer. The Boy began to think a lot about the Girl during the day when he was working, and he began to realize that this Girl was much different then other girls he knew. His feelings were different about her as well. The Boy didn't quite know what to think about it, and he wondered if he should tell the Girl about his feelings, but he decided to wait because he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to mess up the great talks they were having.

To be continued in the next blog...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun...

As I laid on an a operating table in a cold room, the anesthesiologist said "Ok Ronnie Im going to give it to you, take deep breaths". And then, in what felt like a few moments, I was awake in another room, my knee all wrapped up and a nurse attending to me. It was weird because I had no recollection of falling asleep or anything that had happened from that time to when I had woken up. I just knew that my knee was very sore.

I started to think about how if I had died on that operating table I would not have been prepared for it. Not that anybody is really ever prepared for death, but I always figured that if a doctor told me I was going to die that I would begin to reflect on my life or perhaps change the way I lived it during my last days. You know do all these exciting crazy things that I don't have time for right now, and to make sure my family and friends knew that I loved them. I would at least come to terms with my mortality, and hopefully find peace in knowing that I was leaving this world to join a far greater one.

Then there are those extreme moments when we think we might possibly die, where they say our "life flashes before our eyes", at those moments any variety of things could cross our mind, but I didn't even have time for that. Now, obviously, arthroscopic knee surgery does not have a high mortality rate but anytime you are put to sleep there is a level of risk that you might not wake up. I wasn't really worried that anything would happen, but it's a little scary to think that your life could be over in a second and there's nothing you could do to stop it. I guess it shows that life really is that fragile, so we need to live it with purpose and remember to tell the ones we love that we love them, and to go out and experience a few crazy things...