I give you my life cuz I don't own anything...

"Give me your hand," he said.
"Why?" she replied.
"Because I want to show you something," he whispered gently.
"So show it to me," she whispered back.
"No, please give me your hand. Trust me," he whispered again.
"Why can't you just show me whatever it is right now!" she snapped.
"Because it doesn't work that way. I need you to just trust me", he pleaded.
"No, that's stupid. If you want me to see it then show it to me now," she said stubbornly.
"You don't understand. It doesn't work that way. In order for you to see it you have to trust me. Please, we don't have much time," he begged.
"No, if you can't show it to me right now, then I don't want to see it. If you really loved me then you wouldn't play these games with me," she said harshly.
"I do love you. Why do you think I'm here?" he asked.
"I don't know, but if you won't show me then I'm leaving," she said.
"Wait!" he exclaimed, but she had already began to walk away.
As she looked back at him one last time she mumbled, "What could be so important?"
"Heaven," he said softly, "Heaven"...

If I told you this was killing me would you stop...

So I guess I have finally become somebody because my name is now on a business card. Yep, after working here for 2 years I noticed a bunch of new business cards on the front desk of our office and right there was my name on about 30 of them. I think I may just start depositing them into those bowls I see at businesses that do drawings for free stuff. I think if I won a free lunch my life would reach a new level of coolness which has yet to be seen.

Anyways, the last couple of weeks have had me feeling indifferent about a lot of things. Coming to terms of the let down of leaving Ireland and re-entering my life here in Arizona has been hard. I miss Ireland and the people there, and it was wonderful to be engulfed in a different culture with a distinct purpose, but now I'm back and have really been contemplating my passion and purpose for what I do now. Not that I'm waging Ireland versus Arizona specifically, but just wondering where my life-journey is going to take me after this. I really only see myself here in AZ another year, especially if I want to pursue a Masters degree because my options are limited here. But do I really want to pursue one? I know God will provide different opportunities but I guess because of these slow summer days it's given me too much time to sit and ponder the future...

She said, she said, she said, why don't you just drop dead...

So I've been back from Ireland for about 5 days now, which has given me a lot of time to reflect on my trip. It's hard to really put into words all the feelings and thoughts from my experience. It was just a great time, and it was refreshing to be around people with authentic excitement about Jesus. It's hard sometimes in the Christian "bubble", it's very easy to get complacent and stagnant because I'm not stretched and challenged in the bubble. Being out there on the mission field is an experience like no other. It definitely gives one a different perspective and world view. But even being back now things already seem so different, like they've already gone back to the way they were before I left to go. If I could just stay in the moment of those 2 weeks in Ireland my life would have so much more clarity and purpose, but now Im back to a fuzzy future. Not that Im afraid of mystery or the unknown, but sometimes I feel that Im not living up to my potential as a believer on my own. Sure, put me on a mission trip for 2 weeks and Im golden, but what happens when I go back to my regular life? Does it change? Have I changed? Does it matter? Do I care? Yes on all accounts I hope...

I'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it...

Sometimes I wonder what my identity lies in. I not a musician or an artist. I don't really do anything so well that you could label me by it. I guess I can be considered a Jack-of-all-trades type of person since I'm into a lot of things but none are so dominant you could say "Hey there's Ronnie, he's a ________". But why is identity important? We all have different talents and skills, what others are strong in I may be weak in and vice versa, but why do I strive to be known through these talents and abilities? Why don't I strive to find my identity in Christ? For it is by Him that anything that I do has any importance. It doesn't matter if Im an athlete or a musician or a sculptor if that is my sole identity. I could be considered nothing by the worlds standard, but considered everything by Christ's. The core of my being should not be built out of my talents and abilities because it is Christ who gave me those in the first place, but rather, my core should be built out of who I am in Him and me striving to better understand that identity...

Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light...

Short story continued:

The next day the Boy went to the wall at the usual meeting time, but the Girl was not there, so he waited. She still did not come, and so the Boy left thinking that she was probably busy. He went the next day, but again the Girl was not there. He began to worry that something was wrong. Maybe she didn't want to talk to him anymore he wondered. But then he told himself to stop over-analyzing everything. He told himself to stop being a "girl". So the Boy went home hoping that the Girl would be there the next night. The next night came and the Boy went to the wall as usual and this time the Girl was there. He asked her why she hadn't been there the other nights. The Girl said that she realized that she had been talking to him at the wall way too much and that she needed to cut back. This surprised the Boy, and immediately there was an awkward silence. The Boy wanting the silence to end decided to bring up his feelings about the Girl. He told the Girl how he liked her and thought that was she was an amazing person, and hoped that they could be something more than just friends. The Girl responded that she did not feel the same way about the Boy. This shocked the Boy who had thought for sure the Girl liked him. He asked her why she talked to him so often and so much if she didn't like him. The Girl said that she did like him at one time, but that she didn't like him anymore. The Boy was speechless and unsure of how to respond to this. The Girl told him that she thought he was a great guy and still wanted to talk to him at the wall. The Boy, at a lost for words and real thought, simply replied maybe. The Girl said she didn't want to lead him on and she said she wanted to tell him all this before he got hurt, but it was too late. The Boy, sad and heartbroken, left the wall and went home.

It was two weeks before the Boy ever made any contact with the Girl. During those two weeks the Boy thought about the Girl a lot. He was very confused about the whole situation because he was quite certain that she liked him. He began to wonder if something was wrong with him because the Girl liked him when she talked with him for hours and hours at the wall, but when she met him in person her feelings changed. He also wondered exactly when her feelings changed, but he figured he would never really get an answer to those questions. One day he decided that he still wanted to be friends with the Girl. He realized that he cherished their friendship and did not want to lose it over something like this. He also felt like he was being rude by cutting off communication from her. So the Boy decided to write the Girl a letter, which he had another servant boy deliver to her. In the letter the Boy said that it was a tough two weeks not talking to her, and that he missed talking to her at the wall. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and that her friendship was important to him, He said that he knew things could never be the same but that he didn't want to lose her over this. The Girl wrote back to the Boy and said that they did not have to be strangers and that the Boy could write to her "now and then". She also said it would be okay if he gave her an "update" about his life once in a while. This really saddened the Boy because once again he had shared his heart only to be hurt. The Boy did not expect a letter with such a lack of feeling and emotion from the Girl. He had hoped that she at least had missed him and/or their talks, but the Girl had said nothing about them. It was as if the change in the relationship was no big deal to her. The Boy wrote her again and said that he hoped they could keep contact more frequently then "now and then" and that he hoped to see her at the wall some time. The Girl did not reply back.

A week went by and the Boy wrote the Girl a letter just to say hello, and the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. Another week went by and the Boy again wrote a letter to say hello and see how she was, and again the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. A few times the Boy went to the wall in hopes he might run into the Girl, but he never did. The Boy didn't really know what to think of the situation because the Girl seemed to have no interest in being friends with him. Then a week later the Girl wrote him a letter for 3 straight days. This really confused the Boy because the Girl seemed to not want to write to him, and then suddenly she was, and writing a lot. The last letter had asked for an "update". The Boy had gotten sick recently, and so he told the Girl about that, and she wrote back and said she hoped he felt better soon. A few days later the Girl wrote to him and said that she would be at the wall that night. The Boy, excited and nervous because he hadn't talked to the Girl in so long, ran off to the wall, but again she did not show. The Boy, distraught and confused, went back to the castle. He did not understand what was going on with her. The Girl was the one who said she still wanted to be friends and talk with him at the wall, but she had shown no effort whatsoever. Their conversations were at one time frequent, deep, and fun, but now the Boy had been downgraded to "now and then" letters and "updates". How a relationship that was once so fruitful and alive could abruptly become so withered and dead was beyond his grasp. She never talked to him at the wall even though she was the one who wanted to continue those talks. It was if she no longer cared.

The Boy began to realize that he just needed to let the Girl go. Even though he still cared about her and wanted to salvage their relationship in whatever way he could, he knew that he could not make the Girl want to be friends with him. The saddest part about the whole ordeal was that it seemed as if the Boy had wasted those two months he spent talking to the Girl at the wall. They seemed to have such great chemistry and so much fun together, but unfortunately it did not work out for the best. The Boy hopes and wishes the best for the Girl, and he hopes that maybe one day things will change and maybe they can be friends, but that's all he can do; hope and wait...

The End

His smile's your rope, so wrap it tight around your throat...

Short story continued:

One day the King asked the Boy to go into the village to do some errands for him. He told the Girl about it, and said that he would finally like to meet and talk without the wall in the way. He told the Girl he would leave early and get the errands done and then ride over and meet her by her castle. Her castle was not on the way to the village, but the Boy believed that if he left early enough he could make it over to her and then back to his castle in plenty of time. The Girl agreed and they met that night outside of her castle. The Boy was very excited and nervous at the same time. When she arrived they chatted for a bit and then the boy gave her a gift because it had been her birthday 2 weeks earlier and the gift he had for her would not fit through the hole in the way. The Girl was very pleased with the gift, and she was quite thankful. The Boy and Girl began to walk around the forest together under the starry sky, and they stopped to sit on a rock. The conversation was just as good and fun as it was by the wall. The Boy began to realize that he really liked the Girl, but was still hesitant to say anything for fear that she didn't feel the same. The Girl began to get cold and so they walked back to her castle and went into the stable to stay warm. They continued talking for another couple hours until it was very late, and so they both departed. Just before he left the girl invited him to come over in two days to have dinner with her and friends.

The Boy was very excited to see the Girl again and after playing cards with his best friend for a few hours he decided to start out on his journey over to the Girl's castle. Dinner went really well, and he enjoyed talking with the Girl's friends. After dinner they all had some tea. The Girl liked her tea extra hot, and she placed her tea next to the Boy's. When the Boy reached for his tea he accidently knocked over the Girl's extra hot tea and it spilled all over her lap. The Girl began to scream and squirm as the hot tea soaked through her knickers and touched her skin. The Boy, very embarrassed, ran and got a towel and tried to clean it up the best he could. After the initial shock and sting ended the Boy apologized and they had a good laugh about it. The Boy offered to get her another cup of tea, but the Girl declined all decided to go out into the forest for a walk, however, the Girl stated she would only go if nobody made any jokes about the spilling of tea since it had gotten all over her clothes. As they began walking the Girl's two friends began walking very quickly and then suddenly there were so far in front of them they could barely be seen. The Boy thought this was odd because suddenly they were alone, and he thought that maybe this was a good time to share his feelings, but he still waited because he felt he would be rushed. Their walk took them along some little cottages where they could see into the homes and see what the people were doing. The Girl was very intrigued by what people were doing in their homes and she kept peering in and watching. The Boy thought this was very strange. Along the way they spotted different animals including a raccoon in a tree. As they began to walk back to the castle the Girl's friends yelled at them to watch out for a skunk, and so they moved out of that path and onto another one. When they got back they all sat and talked for a while and then the Boy departed. As he rode back home the Boy thought about the Girl and how much he liked her. He decided that the next time they spoke at the wall he would bring up his feelings because he was sure that the Girl felt the same way.

To be continued in the next blog...

Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one...

A short story:

Once upon a time there was a servant boy who lived in a Castle and worked for a king. Everyday after serving the King he would go for walks in the surrounding forrest. One day he came across the large stone wall that bordered the King's land. He heard the voice of a young girl calling him to come over to the wall. Curiously, he walked over to the wall the and noticed there was a crack in the it the size of his fist. He looked through the crack and on the other side was a young girl with blond hair and blue eyes. The Boy thought the Girl was very pretty. They began talking, and it turned out the Girl actually was a servant for the King who lived on the other side of the large stone wall. They talked for quite a while, and then it got late and so the Girl said she needed to get back. They both decided they would come back to the wall the next day. They soon began going to the wall to talk almost everyday.

The Boy and Girl really enjoyed talking to one another. They talked about everything: life, love, past relationships, funny and embarrassing stories, sports, movies, and music. They would talk for hours on end. Many times the Girl would say she had to go because it was getting late, but the Boy would start on a new topic and the Girl would stay for a little while longer. The Boy began to think a lot about the Girl during the day when he was working, and he began to realize that this Girl was much different then other girls he knew. His feelings were different about her as well. The Boy didn't quite know what to think about it, and he wondered if he should tell the Girl about his feelings, but he decided to wait because he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to mess up the great talks they were having.

To be continued in the next blog...

While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun...

As I laid on an a operating table in a cold room, the anesthesiologist said "Ok Ronnie Im going to give it to you, take deep breaths". And then, in what felt like a few moments, I was awake in another room, my knee all wrapped up and a nurse attending to me. It was weird because I had no recollection of falling asleep or anything that had happened from that time to when I had woken up. I just knew that my knee was very sore.

I started to think about how if I had died on that operating table I would not have been prepared for it. Not that anybody is really ever prepared for death, but I always figured that if a doctor told me I was going to die that I would begin to reflect on my life or perhaps change the way I lived it during my last days. You know do all these exciting crazy things that I don't have time for right now, and to make sure my family and friends knew that I loved them. I would at least come to terms with my mortality, and hopefully find peace in knowing that I was leaving this world to join a far greater one.

Then there are those extreme moments when we think we might possibly die, where they say our "life flashes before our eyes", at those moments any variety of things could cross our mind, but I didn't even have time for that. Now, obviously, arthroscopic knee surgery does not have a high mortality rate but anytime you are put to sleep there is a level of risk that you might not wake up. I wasn't really worried that anything would happen, but it's a little scary to think that your life could be over in a second and there's nothing you could do to stop it. I guess it shows that life really is that fragile, so we need to live it with purpose and remember to tell the ones we love that we love them, and to go out and experience a few crazy things...

You're young and depressed, but you're very well dressed...

I get so frustrated with my lack of commitment and consistency. It seems that I always fall back into the stupid things that I know are clogging my life and distancing me from growing closer to God. Jesus said it simply,"Follow me". It's very honest and direct, and I long to do it and nothing else.
I make these plans and goals of how I can better follow Him, but sin always seems to creep in like a shadow. But that's no excuse! I need to be better prepared, be in the Word and on my knees. I need to walk the walk, and not just talk about being a believer, but actually doing it, and persistently at that. I seemed so much stronger in high school, my knowledge was small, but my faith was big, and now it's seems as though that hast been reversed. I know too much! I let my knowledge take place of my actions, and it needs to stop...

Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases my blues away...

I've realized that when one partakes of certain grown-up beverages that there comes a point where you reach a moment of clarity and everything seems to make sense. Now, it takes a certain amount of these beverages to find this clarity, but even if it is only for a moment it almost seems worth it, of course in the morning one may disagree, but for that one instance you view your world from above. You speak truth, even if its harsh. You share your deepest feelings for those around you even if you don't know them, which can be awkward depending on who it is and what you say. Your problems with women and your job and issues in general just seem to be put on hold, and you feel free. In some instances you become more philosophical and determined to get your point across to your fellow patrons, other times you are just loud and funny, and want to tell everyone just how much you love them, and sometimes you just play a lot of air guitar :) Nevertheless, for one night the only things that matter are the good people you are with and the good spirits you are indulging in. Inevitably, however, this wonderful night ends into a not-so-wonderful morning of reality, which makes you wonder why you did it in the first place, but then you do have those terrific memories of clarity, well, maybe... :)

I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well...

Sometimes I think I have it all together, and then life throws me a curveball that I wasn't ready for and I swing and miss badly. Just when I think I have it figured it out things get messed up, and I have to start all over. It's frustrating and discouraging and makes me want to just stop trying. The worst of it all is that there is no one to blame, it's just one of those things that happens. It's life, and that's it. And I'm not trying to be a whiner or obtain any pity because most of the time life is really great, but sometimes it just sucks and this is one of those times...

The moon is down, and heaven is waiting...

"What is it that really binds the temporal and the eternal? What is it other than love, which therefore is before everything else and remains when all else is past."
-----"Works of Love" by Soren Kierkegaard

The weight of this statement goes far beyond the capacity of my mind. It's so simple, so plain, yet so true and deep. It all boils down to love, and only love...

I should go out tonight, but I haven't got a stitch to wear...

"I cannot now remember whether she was naked or clothed. If she were naked, then it must have been the almost visible penumbra* of her courtesy and joy which produces in my memory the illusion of a great and shining train that followed her across the happy grass. If she were clothed, then the illusion of nakedness is doubtless due to the clarity with which her innermost spirit shone through the clothes. For clothes in that country are not a disguise: the spiritual body lives along each thread and turns them into living organs. A robe or a crown is there as much one of the wearer's features as a lip or an eye."
---- "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis

*penumbra--a space of partial illumination (as in an eclipse) between the perfect shadow on all sides and the full light

One day we will live without shame. We will not run and hide and cover ourselves before God. We will be standing there before Him as He created us. Joy will illuminate our souls in such a way that our nakedness will be seen as glorious! Free from our old wretched bodies before the Throne in complete awe of His being. Simply wonderful...

You're beautiful, but not beneath your skin...

Why is being beautiful so important to an ugly world? Is it because we can't dare to look at ourselves? Our whole understanding of the word has become demented and disillusioned by lust, pride, and selfishness. We sum people up by our own personal measure of beauty. We judge them; beautiful, ugly, hot, fat, cute, etc. We perceive them based on the label we give them. But is being beautiful and being ugly based solely on looks alone? I'm not so naive as to believe that isn't the general view, but what about the truly beautiful people. The people who are aesthetically beautiful. The people who please our senses. People who we gravitate to, not because they are just beautiful on the outside, but because their soul is beautiful to us. I know girls who are very attractive, "hot" even, but they aren't beautiful because they have an ugly soul, that is, they are lacking in integrity, character, and compassion. I also know girls who may not be as attractive as the "hot" girl, but have a beauty that goes beyond any visible virtue, something intangible that takes hold of a person in their company. These are the beautiful people of the world, however, television, magazines, and the media in general will tell you differently, glorifying the emptiness that is superficial beauty, which we emphatically embrace because we have forgotten in whose image we have been created.

We are an ugly bunch. Covered in sin and relishing in it. I am ugly, you are ugly, we are ugly. Luckily, a beautiful person died for this ugly world. Extending a hand of grace to dying souls so that one day we can transcend all this nonsense, and reach a place of aesthetic beauty far beyond our dreams. So beautiful...

If love is the labor I'll slave till the end...

The Beloved desires to be pursued; wanted above all other things. To be held, to be carried, to be swept off it's feet. The Beloved wants to be fought for, to be the prized possession; worth dying for. To be beautiful, to be cherished, to be touched.

The Lover desires to pursue; to find a love above all other things. To hold it, to carry it, to sweep off it's feet. The Lover wants someone to fight for, to rescue, to die for. To tell its love it's beautiful, to cherish it, to touch it.

The Christ pursues His love, wants it above all other things. Holds it, carries it, and sweeps it off it's feet. The Christ fights for it, rescues it for it is HIS prized possession, and has died for it. His love is beautiful to Him, He cherishes it, and He touches it...

Stop burning bridges and drive off of them...

For the first time in a long time everything in my life seems to be clicking. Work is going really good. I feel very organized, and I feel that I'm planning ahead for events and everything seems to be falling into place. Over the last 6 weeks I've lost 15 lbs. and am exercising daily and feel great. I've been eating better, cut down on soda, and don't eat late anymore. My weight has always been something I've battled with, but up until now I've never really been committed to losing any of it. A new job possibility looms as I begin to apply to different schools for another RD position. This really excites me because I really don't know where I'll end up. I've started a Bible study with guys in the dorm, and it appears that there might be as many as 12 guys coming every week, which is double what I had coming last year.
Upon thinking about this today I realize that with my life as wonderful as it is I'd never even thought about giving thanks to God. He has blessed me with so much, and I never even gave it a thought. It's amazing how when things are going good we put God on the backburner and take credit for everything, but as soon as the trials of life hit we call out to Him or pass the blame upon Him. We should thank Him and praise him in good times and bad because He is worthy of that. I'm reminded of the apostle Paul who was so consistent in praising Him whether he was in jail, traveling, or visiting with people. Just something to think about...

When I say "shotgun", you say "wedding"...

As I sat on my friend's porch tonight smoking a nice cigar, I watched as the clouds swayed across a moonlit sky. I saw many different clouds that formed many different shapes: faces, a truck, a bus, a flower, and so on and so on. Everytime I turned away from the sky and then looked back the clouds had moved and my shape was gone. As I stared out into the glossy gray night I realized that this is one of the "small things" in life I enjoy, and that for some time now I had not been paying attention. It seems that lately I've been missing the smaller things in life, or at least not appreciating them. It really is the small things that matter because they are particularly important to me, and I don't necessarily need anyone else to enjoy them, although sharing with others can be nice as well.

Shapes in the clouds, a starry sky, a cool breeze, a warm hug, a smile from a pretty stranger, a light rain, a sunset, crisp ocean water between my toes, the smell of the forest, a backscratch, a phone call, brownies, a postcard, a nice walk, laying in the grass, the sound of playing catch, a crackling fire, a good cigar, a comfy chair, people watching, a lost friendship renewed, comfortable silence...

God showers blessings on the righteous and the wicked, I only know that covers me...

Sometimes I question if God knows what he's doing. Certain things happen and all I can do is question if His divinely infinite mind is making the right decisions. Last year, some old college friends of mine who are amazing believers were only a few days away from having their first child, when she had a miscarriage and had to deliver a dead child. What is the purpose of that? Why bring such pain to a couple who are devout followers and were completely engulfed by the joy that comes with having a child? And what about Alzhemiers disease? The disease which could possibly be the worst because it causes one to forget everything. Your childhood memories, your name, and worst of all the very people who love you. The stories I hear from people who have family members suffering from this disease are some of the saddest I've ever heard. Why are drunk drivers the ones who always live? How can it be that so many children suffering from hunger and abuse? I guess I just wonder about the whole concept of evil, and why bad things happen to good people. I understand that we are responsible for bringing sin into the world and that all this hurt is caused by it, but sometimes I just wish these bigger hurts could be handled by God in such a way that it world completely shake and change the world; and so I hope.

Deep in my soul I know that God's hand is working in all of these things even if I can't see it, but it's just hard sometimes to deal with it. I know that His mind is infinite and mine is finite, and I will never really understand, and honestly I don't know if I would want to, but sometimes it's just so disheartening to see the pain around me and not be able to do anything about it. Feeling powerless and crying out to a God who has allowed it to happen in His supreme insight just seems pointless, but I know that one day it will all end, and I hope that day is soon; and so I hope...

Breakin' hearts never looked so cool...

I've always been someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. My biggest problem when it comes to relationships is liking someone way too fast, which usually leads to a bigger let down and heartbreak. For whatever reason it never seems to work out, and I always end up promising myself I won't go down that path again, but inevitably I do and it just seems to be an endless cycle.

It's frustrating to me when girls say that they wish guys would be more assertive and take the initiative and pursue because I do just that and I only get rejection. It's come to the point where I'm hesitant to share any feelings of interest or "liking" with a girl because I'm afraid to be hurt again. I think a lot of guys feel this way, and I don't think girls understand just how hard it is for guys to share their feelings for a girl or in some cases even ask them out for fear of being rejected. It puts us in a state of vulnerability, which is something we are not accustomed to, and when we get constantly rejected it's a state in which we'd prefer never to experience again.

I think our whole perception of love, relationships, and dating is all messed up and twisted. Girls have this distorted reality of some prince in shining armor coming to their rescue and whisking them away in some romantic fairy tale, but it's all a joke. Hollywood has created all these "chick-flicks" that produce false expectations of the ideal and not the real, and although it's nice to think that things could be that way, one has to realize that it isn't the truth. No man is Prince Charming, and if we are constantly compared to this perfect man then we will always come up short. On the other side, guys are twisted by pornography, swimsuit issues, and airbrushed women. We think these images are the way women should look, but in reality its all fake and superficial. Porn distorts our minds as to what sex should be. It glorifies the lust and defiles the intimacy and glory that it should bring God.

With all these factors I think our entire concept of love is misconstrued. We see it as these warm little fuzzy feelings that we have for somebody we care about, but to really love somebody is a commitment that we don't totally understand. The Christian philosopher Soren Kierkergaard talks about how love is the full extention of oneself. To totally commit to someone and fully sacrifice personal desires for those of the loved one. I do not believe that we perceive our "love" in that matter, especially when we so loosely interchange our love for a person with that of a dog, car, or restaurant.

I guess I'm kind of just rambling here, but this is something that's been on my heart lately...

Rising up against this wickedness...

I think one of the most frustrating things in a relationship, whether it's just friendship, dating, or whatever, is when it seems that only one of the people involved puts forth any real effort in keeping it going. It bothers me when it seems like I always have to be the one to initiate contact, especially now that I live in another state far away from most of my friends. I realize that people are busy with work, school, and everything else that goes on in life, but at the same time how long does a phone call or an email take to someone who you really care about? I guess I'm just one of those people that will put those other things on hold because my friends are something I hold dearly to my heart. I'm not really close with a lot of my family outside of my immediate family, and so I see my friends as family.

I just get really frustrated because I'm always the one who calls and makes plans, and I always get bailed on. What's the point of putting forth the effort if is not returned? It's especially hard with people whom I've been friends with a long time and it just seems like our friendship doesn't matter enough for them to make a reasonable effort. I don't know, maybe I'm over-reacting but I just see myself as a very loyal friend and l feel like Im fighting a lost cause...