I set my clocks early cuz I know i'm always late..

So based on the number of comments on my previous post I have to either bash the midwest or Christian pop-culture to get people to leave any.:)
Anywhoo, my time at GCU has come to an end. I officially still work here until May 31st, but for the most part I'm done, which is exciting and weird at the same time. Exciting because of the anticipation of what's ahead, but weird because I'm leaving a place that I've called home for the last 3 years. I'm unusually content about all of this, and in this state of uncertainty, life is really good, which is all God because I really should be going crazy. In another weird twist, the notion of possibly returning to Cal Baptist to work as an RD has presented itself. I have mixed feelings about this, but I'm very open and interested in the possibility, not to mention it gets me back home to California, which I dearly miss. But the best part about all this is that I have this weird peace about it all, and that's such a great feeling. I guess I should give this stuff to God more often huh?

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions...

I drove by a church the other day and the sign in front said "Be an organ donor, give your heart to Jesus", then today I saw one that said "The Bible is God's mapquest". Why does Christianity have to be a catch phrase? And not even a cool catch phrase, we have to be lame. Seriously, we have so much commercialized cheesy crap that I bet Jesus looks down from Heaven and is embarrassed. I mean the man suffered on a cross and how do we repay Him, by sticking His face on every product imaginable. He died for an uncool group people. Now, don't go "super Christian" on me, I realized He died for all regardless of class or race, but let's be real people, why do we have to turn Jesus into a commodity or a one-liner? Ironic that other religions don't do this. I mean I can't wait for my Mohammed night-lite or my Ghandi bubble gum.

On another note, this past week has been interesting in regards to my job situation, which is that right now there is nothing, but I have an odd peace about it. I had it out with the Lord last week about the future and where I might end up, and His answer was to give me this weird peace. I guess that's part of having faith and patience, but I'm kind of worried He might stick somewhere worse then Arizona, like the Midwest where it gets ungodly cold. I could just ignore him and go my own way but then He might pull a Jonah on me and I'd get swallowed by a whale, which would be an amazing story, but who wants that??

It's deep how you can be so shallow...

I find it ironic when people can't figure that they are their own problem. They blame everything else possible: other people, how they were brought up, God; but the one common factor in all their problems is them. It's like they can't conceive that their choices are the reasons for what happens in their lives. Can they be so dense?

If only people really believed that classic break-up statement "It's not you, it's me" because it's so true. And I've learned recently that it wasn't me in a past situation, it was them. So hahahaha wake up and stop putting the blame on other people, you are the problem!!!

P.S. Go Dodgers!

I can see the venom in their eyes...

I find that it's easy to have faith when everything is going well. It's easy to trust God when the decisions aren't major ones. Even if things don't work out exactly how I'd like them too, it's not that big of deal because it wasn't that big in the first place. But when the future is a big question mark, and the path(s) I could take aren't as well lit as I would like, faith makes it's presence known. The thing about faith is that it's one-part exciting and two-parts extremely nerve racking. That's where I'm at right now because I seriously have no clue where I'll be in a couple months. The easy answer would be to just find another RD job somewhere and continue living in the Christian bubble. But just recently I feel like I should look elsewhere, possibly venturing out into the "real" world, which again is exciting and nerve racking. I guess I feel like I need to see what it's like, even though most people tell me to stay where I am because I have it good. Maybe I'm not supposed to have it "good".

Anyways, the NCAA tournament has been pretty exciting. It's funny how this one tournament dominates so much of our lives. People skip work to watch every game, and so much money is spent on brackets, it's crazy. But there's something pure and invigorating when you watch these kids play with such passion, and not for big bucks like in the pros. I picked Kansas to win it all, so go Jayhawks!...

Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great...

I find that one of the most difficult things for me to deal with is closure, or lack thereof. I think closure is such a big deal because we live in a "what if" world. What if this had happened? What if I did this? We always wonder what would happen if we could go back and change something. Anyways, I think when we aren't satisfied or have complete understanding of why something took place it eats at us, at least it does me. I think I do a good job of moving on past unresolved things but many times a picture, place, or comment from somebody will trigger that unresolved situation. The worst is when it involves another person who thinks the situation is resolved because then it will most likely never lead to closure. There's just some people out there who I want to go bang on their door and say "What the heck! I gotta resolve this, even if I'm wrong in the end. Just explain this to me. Make me understand!" But alas, life doesn't work that way...

Each time I see you force a smile my heart just breaks...

I miss my remote. My poor remote (RIP) met it's fatal demise when it was unexpectedly thrown into the air and collided with the front door. The perpetrator was an angry video-gamer who felt he was being cheated by Madden 07. The remote spent the last 4 yrs bringing joy and easy maneuvering of many channels. It will be missed and always hold a special place in my heart.
It sucks not to have one. It's like I'm stuck in the 60's. I have to actually get up to change the channel, which I'm too lazy to do so I watch a bunch of crap I don't normally.

Anywhoo, life is going to be taking some turns in the near future. I'm definitely done in Arizona and am ready to move on to a new place and job. I had this opportunity last year but decided to stay, but I'm really at peace with leaving, even though I have no clue where I'll end up, it's exciting. It's weird to still work somewhere when you know it's getting towards the end. It's almost like just before you graduate, and everything is up in the air, but I'm definitely not as nervous or worried as I was when I was getting ready to graduate. I learned from my last experience like this to let God open the doors, and even when I think He's not doing anything He is. I just have to have faith and patience, and I'll end up where He wants me to be. Alas, that is easier said then done...

I didn't mean to scare you, you just seem really nice...

I've noticed while surfing through blogs (random and familar) that there's a lot of complaining going on. I think that for the new year we here in the blogger world need to gain a little perspective. The simple fact one has a blog means they are better off then a good portion of the world. Having a blog means having access to a computer, most likely owning it, and being able to read, write, and type, which is better then a lot of other people out there. So what if gas prices are high, so what if your neighbor still has their christmas decorations out, so what if johnny doesn't like you, get over it. Appreciate what you have, cherish it because it could be gone in a flash and you'll only be left with a distant memory...

Cause a party ain't great cuz the booze is free...

Well it's been a while since I've posted. Just haven't really been in the mood to blog, but here are some musings of mine:

So I've had my tattoo for a month now and I love it. I'm ready to add to it, but it's still weird to walk by a mirror and see it or when I'm wearing a short sleeve shirt the bottom foot of the angel is visible. Having one has led me to pay more attention to other people's tats and I've come to realize that there is a lot of bad ink out there. I'm not really a person who believes a tattoo has to have some deep meaning. No doubt it should have some meaning, but it doesn't need to be the basis of your spiritual essence. If it's cool and good artwork then go for it, however, a lot of people have stupid tats. It's crazy some of the stuff I see on people and its almost as if they don't realize it'll be on their body forever.

Christmas time is upon us and you know what that means: more pointless consumerism and a whole bunch of stuff that has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus. I don't want to be a negative Nelly about this, but seriously if I see one more giant inflatable Santa or snowman I'm going to throw up. I enjoy Christmas lights, Christmas trees, all the goodies, etc etc but all this crap is pointless when the real meaning is lost. We spend so much money on Christmas decorations it's ridiculous. How much of that money could go towards the poor? Isn't that the "spirit" of Christmas, helping others? I don't know, maybe I'm the crazy one.

Finally, the show Rob and Big on MTV is one of the best I've seen in a while. It's the first "reality" show that isn't stupid, crude, and fake. It's funny and fresh and really laid back. It doesn't feel fake or that they set up the plots or anything. Check it out if you haven't seen it...

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean, and my fists got hard and my wits got keen...

Sometimes I wonder how I would respond in tough situations. I always seem to think about this when I watch movies regarding war or the hero having to rise to the occasion. I wonder if I would "rise". I just want to be able to test my mettle against the odds. To come through on top in the end, with a really badass song playing in the background. Maybe I should just get into a bar fight. But really, I think all guys wonder this. Could we overtake the enemy on that hill with death staring us in the face? If this big guy has too much to drink and attacks my friend will I bust his nose? If I keep watching Jackass will I be able to perform some of these stunts? :)
But in all seriousness I just wonder if I would step it up if death or injury was on the line. I'd like to think I would but I really have no way of knowing until I'm actually in the situation. Sometimes life just seems so bland, the mundane-ness of having a job, dealing with traffic, paying bills, etc etc, life would be more exciting in the movies, but then again that's why we watch them, to escape our own reality. I'm kind of rambling here but I just want a shot at being that guy, being tested, the good overcoming the evil. Maybe I will get into a bar fight...

Cause your just the girl all the boys wanna dance with and I'm just the boy who took too many chances...

The difficulty and complexity of relationships, particular with those of the fairer gender, have gotten me again! Once again I've taken the initative, once again I've made the effort, and once again I've received a boot to the throat. Well not literally, but that's what it feels like. The "Blow-off" actually took place. It's been awhile since me and the big B.O. have hung out but we've been reunited and it definitely doesn't feel so good. It's to the point now where I don't even want to put out the effort with girls. The investment isn't worth the reward to me right now, and that scares because I'm afraid that I'll actually miss a good one because I'm hiding from all the bad ones.
Why can't things be simple like when we were little and you just checked the "yes" or "no" box? Those were the good ol' days. It was direct and honest and a guy knew where he stood. Then some little philly decided to create the "maybe" box, and that birthed the dreaded DTR talks. Suddenly guys had to analyze the relationship, body language and signals, ahhhhhh! It kills me! Drama, drama, drama, that's all it is.
I don't know why I complain. I always say I'm done with girls, and then I begin to duct tape my heart back together. But it doesn't last because soon the soothing song of some siren will convince me to bring the heart out into the open only for her to step on it, probably with a boot or perhaps a high heel of some sort...

A melancholy town where we never smile...

So I've been getting harassed about not posting in a long time, so I figured I should appease my fans and write.

So the big 2-5 has come and gone. It's weird to think that I've been alive for a quarter century. High school doesn't seem that long ago, and college feels like yesterday. I always thought I'd be married by the time I turned 25, it always felt like a good age to be married, alas I am no where close to marriage at this moment. Birthdays have become a time for reflection for me. To look back at my past and ahead to my future and wonder if I've really done anything or will do anything. I guess part of me is content with living a life of anonymity, only being known amongst my family and friends, however, part of me wishes to be somebody big and important. Somebody, that when this body fails me, leaves a name that people instantly recognize upon hearing it. Perhaps this is my identity paradox...

I give you my life cuz I don't own anything...

"Give me your hand," he said.
"Why?" she replied.
"Because I want to show you something," he whispered gently.
"So show it to me," she whispered back.
"No, please give me your hand. Trust me," he whispered again.
"Why can't you just show me whatever it is right now!" she snapped.
"Because it doesn't work that way. I need you to just trust me", he pleaded.
"No, that's stupid. If you want me to see it then show it to me now," she said stubbornly.
"You don't understand. It doesn't work that way. In order for you to see it you have to trust me. Please, we don't have much time," he begged.
"No, if you can't show it to me right now, then I don't want to see it. If you really loved me then you wouldn't play these games with me," she said harshly.
"I do love you. Why do you think I'm here?" he asked.
"I don't know, but if you won't show me then I'm leaving," she said.
"Wait!" he exclaimed, but she had already began to walk away.
As she looked back at him one last time she mumbled, "What could be so important?"
"Heaven," he said softly, "Heaven"...

If I told you this was killing me would you stop...

So I guess I have finally become somebody because my name is now on a business card. Yep, after working here for 2 years I noticed a bunch of new business cards on the front desk of our office and right there was my name on about 30 of them. I think I may just start depositing them into those bowls I see at businesses that do drawings for free stuff. I think if I won a free lunch my life would reach a new level of coolness which has yet to be seen.

Anyways, the last couple of weeks have had me feeling indifferent about a lot of things. Coming to terms of the let down of leaving Ireland and re-entering my life here in Arizona has been hard. I miss Ireland and the people there, and it was wonderful to be engulfed in a different culture with a distinct purpose, but now I'm back and have really been contemplating my passion and purpose for what I do now. Not that I'm waging Ireland versus Arizona specifically, but just wondering where my life-journey is going to take me after this. I really only see myself here in AZ another year, especially if I want to pursue a Masters degree because my options are limited here. But do I really want to pursue one? I know God will provide different opportunities but I guess because of these slow summer days it's given me too much time to sit and ponder the future...

She said, she said, she said, why don't you just drop dead...

So I've been back from Ireland for about 5 days now, which has given me a lot of time to reflect on my trip. It's hard to really put into words all the feelings and thoughts from my experience. It was just a great time, and it was refreshing to be around people with authentic excitement about Jesus. It's hard sometimes in the Christian "bubble", it's very easy to get complacent and stagnant because I'm not stretched and challenged in the bubble. Being out there on the mission field is an experience like no other. It definitely gives one a different perspective and world view. But even being back now things already seem so different, like they've already gone back to the way they were before I left to go. If I could just stay in the moment of those 2 weeks in Ireland my life would have so much more clarity and purpose, but now Im back to a fuzzy future. Not that Im afraid of mystery or the unknown, but sometimes I feel that Im not living up to my potential as a believer on my own. Sure, put me on a mission trip for 2 weeks and Im golden, but what happens when I go back to my regular life? Does it change? Have I changed? Does it matter? Do I care? Yes on all accounts I hope...

I'll keep singing this lie if you keep believing it...

Sometimes I wonder what my identity lies in. I not a musician or an artist. I don't really do anything so well that you could label me by it. I guess I can be considered a Jack-of-all-trades type of person since I'm into a lot of things but none are so dominant you could say "Hey there's Ronnie, he's a ________". But why is identity important? We all have different talents and skills, what others are strong in I may be weak in and vice versa, but why do I strive to be known through these talents and abilities? Why don't I strive to find my identity in Christ? For it is by Him that anything that I do has any importance. It doesn't matter if Im an athlete or a musician or a sculptor if that is my sole identity. I could be considered nothing by the worlds standard, but considered everything by Christ's. The core of my being should not be built out of my talents and abilities because it is Christ who gave me those in the first place, but rather, my core should be built out of who I am in Him and me striving to better understand that identity...

Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light...

Short story continued:

The next day the Boy went to the wall at the usual meeting time, but the Girl was not there, so he waited. She still did not come, and so the Boy left thinking that she was probably busy. He went the next day, but again the Girl was not there. He began to worry that something was wrong. Maybe she didn't want to talk to him anymore he wondered. But then he told himself to stop over-analyzing everything. He told himself to stop being a "girl". So the Boy went home hoping that the Girl would be there the next night. The next night came and the Boy went to the wall as usual and this time the Girl was there. He asked her why she hadn't been there the other nights. The Girl said that she realized that she had been talking to him at the wall way too much and that she needed to cut back. This surprised the Boy, and immediately there was an awkward silence. The Boy wanting the silence to end decided to bring up his feelings about the Girl. He told the Girl how he liked her and thought that was she was an amazing person, and hoped that they could be something more than just friends. The Girl responded that she did not feel the same way about the Boy. This shocked the Boy who had thought for sure the Girl liked him. He asked her why she talked to him so often and so much if she didn't like him. The Girl said that she did like him at one time, but that she didn't like him anymore. The Boy was speechless and unsure of how to respond to this. The Girl told him that she thought he was a great guy and still wanted to talk to him at the wall. The Boy, at a lost for words and real thought, simply replied maybe. The Girl said she didn't want to lead him on and she said she wanted to tell him all this before he got hurt, but it was too late. The Boy, sad and heartbroken, left the wall and went home.

It was two weeks before the Boy ever made any contact with the Girl. During those two weeks the Boy thought about the Girl a lot. He was very confused about the whole situation because he was quite certain that she liked him. He began to wonder if something was wrong with him because the Girl liked him when she talked with him for hours and hours at the wall, but when she met him in person her feelings changed. He also wondered exactly when her feelings changed, but he figured he would never really get an answer to those questions. One day he decided that he still wanted to be friends with the Girl. He realized that he cherished their friendship and did not want to lose it over something like this. He also felt like he was being rude by cutting off communication from her. So the Boy decided to write the Girl a letter, which he had another servant boy deliver to her. In the letter the Boy said that it was a tough two weeks not talking to her, and that he missed talking to her at the wall. He said that he still wanted to be friends, and that her friendship was important to him, He said that he knew things could never be the same but that he didn't want to lose her over this. The Girl wrote back to the Boy and said that they did not have to be strangers and that the Boy could write to her "now and then". She also said it would be okay if he gave her an "update" about his life once in a while. This really saddened the Boy because once again he had shared his heart only to be hurt. The Boy did not expect a letter with such a lack of feeling and emotion from the Girl. He had hoped that she at least had missed him and/or their talks, but the Girl had said nothing about them. It was as if the change in the relationship was no big deal to her. The Boy wrote her again and said that he hoped they could keep contact more frequently then "now and then" and that he hoped to see her at the wall some time. The Girl did not reply back.

A week went by and the Boy wrote the Girl a letter just to say hello, and the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. Another week went by and the Boy again wrote a letter to say hello and see how she was, and again the Girl wrote back simply to say fine. A few times the Boy went to the wall in hopes he might run into the Girl, but he never did. The Boy didn't really know what to think of the situation because the Girl seemed to have no interest in being friends with him. Then a week later the Girl wrote him a letter for 3 straight days. This really confused the Boy because the Girl seemed to not want to write to him, and then suddenly she was, and writing a lot. The last letter had asked for an "update". The Boy had gotten sick recently, and so he told the Girl about that, and she wrote back and said she hoped he felt better soon. A few days later the Girl wrote to him and said that she would be at the wall that night. The Boy, excited and nervous because he hadn't talked to the Girl in so long, ran off to the wall, but again she did not show. The Boy, distraught and confused, went back to the castle. He did not understand what was going on with her. The Girl was the one who said she still wanted to be friends and talk with him at the wall, but she had shown no effort whatsoever. Their conversations were at one time frequent, deep, and fun, but now the Boy had been downgraded to "now and then" letters and "updates". How a relationship that was once so fruitful and alive could abruptly become so withered and dead was beyond his grasp. She never talked to him at the wall even though she was the one who wanted to continue those talks. It was if she no longer cared.

The Boy began to realize that he just needed to let the Girl go. Even though he still cared about her and wanted to salvage their relationship in whatever way he could, he knew that he could not make the Girl want to be friends with him. The saddest part about the whole ordeal was that it seemed as if the Boy had wasted those two months he spent talking to the Girl at the wall. They seemed to have such great chemistry and so much fun together, but unfortunately it did not work out for the best. The Boy hopes and wishes the best for the Girl, and he hopes that maybe one day things will change and maybe they can be friends, but that's all he can do; hope and wait...

The End

His smile's your rope, so wrap it tight around your throat...

Short story continued:

One day the King asked the Boy to go into the village to do some errands for him. He told the Girl about it, and said that he would finally like to meet and talk without the wall in the way. He told the Girl he would leave early and get the errands done and then ride over and meet her by her castle. Her castle was not on the way to the village, but the Boy believed that if he left early enough he could make it over to her and then back to his castle in plenty of time. The Girl agreed and they met that night outside of her castle. The Boy was very excited and nervous at the same time. When she arrived they chatted for a bit and then the boy gave her a gift because it had been her birthday 2 weeks earlier and the gift he had for her would not fit through the hole in the way. The Girl was very pleased with the gift, and she was quite thankful. The Boy and Girl began to walk around the forest together under the starry sky, and they stopped to sit on a rock. The conversation was just as good and fun as it was by the wall. The Boy began to realize that he really liked the Girl, but was still hesitant to say anything for fear that she didn't feel the same. The Girl began to get cold and so they walked back to her castle and went into the stable to stay warm. They continued talking for another couple hours until it was very late, and so they both departed. Just before he left the girl invited him to come over in two days to have dinner with her and friends.

The Boy was very excited to see the Girl again and after playing cards with his best friend for a few hours he decided to start out on his journey over to the Girl's castle. Dinner went really well, and he enjoyed talking with the Girl's friends. After dinner they all had some tea. The Girl liked her tea extra hot, and she placed her tea next to the Boy's. When the Boy reached for his tea he accidently knocked over the Girl's extra hot tea and it spilled all over her lap. The Girl began to scream and squirm as the hot tea soaked through her knickers and touched her skin. The Boy, very embarrassed, ran and got a towel and tried to clean it up the best he could. After the initial shock and sting ended the Boy apologized and they had a good laugh about it. The Boy offered to get her another cup of tea, but the Girl declined all decided to go out into the forest for a walk, however, the Girl stated she would only go if nobody made any jokes about the spilling of tea since it had gotten all over her clothes. As they began walking the Girl's two friends began walking very quickly and then suddenly there were so far in front of them they could barely be seen. The Boy thought this was odd because suddenly they were alone, and he thought that maybe this was a good time to share his feelings, but he still waited because he felt he would be rushed. Their walk took them along some little cottages where they could see into the homes and see what the people were doing. The Girl was very intrigued by what people were doing in their homes and she kept peering in and watching. The Boy thought this was very strange. Along the way they spotted different animals including a raccoon in a tree. As they began to walk back to the castle the Girl's friends yelled at them to watch out for a skunk, and so they moved out of that path and onto another one. When they got back they all sat and talked for a while and then the Boy departed. As he rode back home the Boy thought about the Girl and how much he liked her. He decided that the next time they spoke at the wall he would bring up his feelings because he was sure that the Girl felt the same way.

To be continued in the next blog...

Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one...

A short story:

Once upon a time there was a servant boy who lived in a Castle and worked for a king. Everyday after serving the King he would go for walks in the surrounding forrest. One day he came across the large stone wall that bordered the King's land. He heard the voice of a young girl calling him to come over to the wall. Curiously, he walked over to the wall the and noticed there was a crack in the it the size of his fist. He looked through the crack and on the other side was a young girl with blond hair and blue eyes. The Boy thought the Girl was very pretty. They began talking, and it turned out the Girl actually was a servant for the King who lived on the other side of the large stone wall. They talked for quite a while, and then it got late and so the Girl said she needed to get back. They both decided they would come back to the wall the next day. They soon began going to the wall to talk almost everyday.

The Boy and Girl really enjoyed talking to one another. They talked about everything: life, love, past relationships, funny and embarrassing stories, sports, movies, and music. They would talk for hours on end. Many times the Girl would say she had to go because it was getting late, but the Boy would start on a new topic and the Girl would stay for a little while longer. The Boy began to think a lot about the Girl during the day when he was working, and he began to realize that this Girl was much different then other girls he knew. His feelings were different about her as well. The Boy didn't quite know what to think about it, and he wondered if he should tell the Girl about his feelings, but he decided to wait because he wasn't sure, and he didn't want to mess up the great talks they were having.

To be continued in the next blog...

While my mother waters plants, my father loads his gun...

As I laid on an a operating table in a cold room, the anesthesiologist said "Ok Ronnie Im going to give it to you, take deep breaths". And then, in what felt like a few moments, I was awake in another room, my knee all wrapped up and a nurse attending to me. It was weird because I had no recollection of falling asleep or anything that had happened from that time to when I had woken up. I just knew that my knee was very sore.

I started to think about how if I had died on that operating table I would not have been prepared for it. Not that anybody is really ever prepared for death, but I always figured that if a doctor told me I was going to die that I would begin to reflect on my life or perhaps change the way I lived it during my last days. You know do all these exciting crazy things that I don't have time for right now, and to make sure my family and friends knew that I loved them. I would at least come to terms with my mortality, and hopefully find peace in knowing that I was leaving this world to join a far greater one.

Then there are those extreme moments when we think we might possibly die, where they say our "life flashes before our eyes", at those moments any variety of things could cross our mind, but I didn't even have time for that. Now, obviously, arthroscopic knee surgery does not have a high mortality rate but anytime you are put to sleep there is a level of risk that you might not wake up. I wasn't really worried that anything would happen, but it's a little scary to think that your life could be over in a second and there's nothing you could do to stop it. I guess it shows that life really is that fragile, so we need to live it with purpose and remember to tell the ones we love that we love them, and to go out and experience a few crazy things...

You're young and depressed, but you're very well dressed...

I get so frustrated with my lack of commitment and consistency. It seems that I always fall back into the stupid things that I know are clogging my life and distancing me from growing closer to God. Jesus said it simply,"Follow me". It's very honest and direct, and I long to do it and nothing else.
I make these plans and goals of how I can better follow Him, but sin always seems to creep in like a shadow. But that's no excuse! I need to be better prepared, be in the Word and on my knees. I need to walk the walk, and not just talk about being a believer, but actually doing it, and persistently at that. I seemed so much stronger in high school, my knowledge was small, but my faith was big, and now it's seems as though that hast been reversed. I know too much! I let my knowledge take place of my actions, and it needs to stop...