Rising up against this wickedness...

I think one of the most frustrating things in a relationship, whether it's just friendship, dating, or whatever, is when it seems that only one of the people involved puts forth any real effort in keeping it going. It bothers me when it seems like I always have to be the one to initiate contact, especially now that I live in another state far away from most of my friends. I realize that people are busy with work, school, and everything else that goes on in life, but at the same time how long does a phone call or an email take to someone who you really care about? I guess I'm just one of those people that will put those other things on hold because my friends are something I hold dearly to my heart. I'm not really close with a lot of my family outside of my immediate family, and so I see my friends as family.

I just get really frustrated because I'm always the one who calls and makes plans, and I always get bailed on. What's the point of putting forth the effort if is not returned? It's especially hard with people whom I've been friends with a long time and it just seems like our friendship doesn't matter enough for them to make a reasonable effort. I don't know, maybe I'm over-reacting but I just see myself as a very loyal friend and l feel like Im fighting a lost cause...

I'm beggin' you to be my escape...

Lately I've been really anticipating the arrival of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Every year, as soon as Halloween is over, my mind turns to the thought of family, food, and vacation. But upon pondering these things I've been thinking about how it seems that the anticipation of such events is almost always better then the actual events themselves. The thought of being with my family, seeing old friends, getting fatter with every scrumptious morsel, and the exchanging of gifts gets me really excited, but then once all of it is over is seems that it has come and gone much too fast. It seems to me that many things in life occur in this fashion.

Life can be summed up as a long series of events, and in between these events comes anticipation, which can either be good or bad. I remember as a kid counting down the days to my birthday. The biggest day of the year of course! My big day! Presents and money and cake! All that good stuff. But then when it was all over it was back to the regular way of life. What a big let down! On the flip side, I can remember hating the dentist with a passion. I hated the smell of the office. I hated the feel of that big chair. I hated the sounds. And I especially hated the taste of getting my teeth cleaned. As a little kid I saw this hygenial trip as the definite end of my being. I would cease to exist after going to the dentist. But of course after I went, life went back to normal, and I had a new sense of relief, that is, until another 6 months went by.

Life is often described as a roller coaster that has its ups and downs and twists and turns. And I think anticipation plays a major role in how we react on this journey. But what if we could freeze one moment in particular and live our life in that moment forever? Like U2 sings about being "stuck in a moment", what if we could be stuck in a moment of our choosing? It could be with that one special person, or be a specific feeling that you never want to let go of. We could pause our lives at the exact moment in which we deem that this is the best moment of our lives, and experience it forever. Never to experience another let down. Never to look back and say "Wow, the anticipation was much better then the actual experience".

I think this is what Heaven will be like. We will forever be stuck in a moment of complete glory before the Eternal. Never to experience another let down. Never to ride the roller coaster. Never to look back and say "the anticipation was better"...

Paranoia drops bombs...

So its been awhile since I've posted, but I've been compelled to write. Lately, I've been really pondering my own mortality. Not that I'm old, I'm only 24, but being in my "mid" twenties has lead me to reflect on my life. If I live to be 75 which is the average I guess for men then I've lived roughly 1/3 of my life so far. Looking back on my life I just wonder about my purpose and impact. One of my biggest fears is that one day I'll look back and wonder what happened to me. That I some how wasted it in some dead-end job or in pursuit of material possessions; selfish things that have no real value in the eternal. I mean, I only get one life and I want to live it to the fullest, but sometimes I worry that I am missing out on something great.

I think a lot about this when Im stuck in traffic and there are a hundred other people with their own lives, doing their own things. all of them going to some destination. I wonder how many of them are truly happy with their lives. If this is where they thought they'd be or if they wish their lives were different. How many of these people have lives with no real purpose other then the daily routines of going to work and paying bills and all the other things that make life so ritualistic?

I think about this too when I look at my parents. I know they don't like their jobs. They only work these jobs because it pays the bills. Neither one of them have a college degree so they are kind of stuck. My dad is almost 55 and I wonder what he thinks about his life. If this is what he expected, wanted, or is happy with? I think I'm afraid to ask him.

Life is just so fragile. In a second it can be all over. And I hope we can all put our trust in the Eternal, knowing that these lives are just temporary, but at the same time my life is the composite whole of me. It's what I know. It's tangible and accessible, and I hope in the end that it will be worth something...