I've always been someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. My biggest problem when it comes to relationships is liking someone way too fast, which usually leads to a bigger let down and heartbreak. For whatever reason it never seems to work out, and I always end up promising myself I won't go down that path again, but inevitably I do and it just seems to be an endless cycle.
It's frustrating to me when girls say that they wish guys would be more assertive and take the initiative and pursue because I do just that and I only get rejection. It's come to the point where I'm hesitant to share any feelings of interest or "liking" with a girl because I'm afraid to be hurt again. I think a lot of guys feel this way, and I don't think girls understand just how hard it is for guys to share their feelings for a girl or in some cases even ask them out for fear of being rejected. It puts us in a state of vulnerability, which is something we are not accustomed to, and when we get constantly rejected it's a state in which we'd prefer never to experience again.
I think our whole perception of love, relationships, and dating is all messed up and twisted. Girls have this distorted reality of some prince in shining armor coming to their rescue and whisking them away in some romantic fairy tale, but it's all a joke. Hollywood has created all these "chick-flicks" that produce false expectations of the ideal and not the real, and although it's nice to think that things could be that way, one has to realize that it isn't the truth. No man is Prince Charming, and if we are constantly compared to this perfect man then we will always come up short. On the other side, guys are twisted by pornography, swimsuit issues, and airbrushed women. We think these images are the way women should look, but in reality its all fake and superficial. Porn distorts our minds as to what sex should be. It glorifies the lust and defiles the intimacy and glory that it should bring God.
With all these factors I think our entire concept of love is misconstrued. We see it as these warm little fuzzy feelings that we have for somebody we care about, but to really love somebody is a commitment that we don't totally understand. The Christian philosopher Soren Kierkergaard talks about how love is the full extention of oneself. To totally commit to someone and fully sacrifice personal desires for those of the loved one. I do not believe that we perceive our "love" in that matter, especially when we so loosely interchange our love for a person with that of a dog, car, or restaurant.
I guess I'm kind of just rambling here, but this is something that's been on my heart lately...
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On the other hand, I don't think guys realize how hard it is to be a girl and to wait to be pursued. I have had many conversations lately in which guys have made it clear that they simply do not understand the subtleties of the signals girls send to show their interest. So what's a girl left to do when all she wants is to smack a guy upside the head and tell him she's interested but she's charged with the task of waiting? It's all very difficult. One thing I'm discovering lately is that there are preemptive questions that are useful for gauging the other person's interest. Ask her where she sees herself in the next few years. If she mentions marriage that means she is probably currently interested in dating. Ask her what she's looking for in a guy. Pay close attention to what she says. If she's interested in you, her answer will come as close to saying, "I'm looking for YOU" as possible without directly saying that. She'll list of characteristics she sees in you that have captured her interest. If she turns the question around and asks you what you're looking for, she is probably trying to gauge your interest. It is all a very messed up system and I guess all we can do is try to make our best of it. Though it must be said that you should NOT lead into this line of questioning if you are not interested in the girl because it will only mess with her head.
I was speaking to a friend about love the other day and we discussed how it is an important combination of the physical, emotional, and spiritual. Physical attraction plays some part in it, though those who are being realistic are not looking for some warped image of the "perfect" person. Clearly emotions are a part of love. And spiritually it is important to make the choice to honor and serve the other person because of your commitment to him/her and your commitment to God. All 3 are important to a healthy relationship and I think if all 3 are there, if you're going through a rough time and one of those aspects isn't as strong as usual, you hopefully have the other 2 there to get you through it. And I think ultimately it is important that the active part of choosing to love the person is always the strongest of the 3. Attraction and emotion can be fickle, but commitment should not be.
Okay I'm done talking now. Thanks for sharing what's been on your heart.
I would like to add a fourth element, Aziner (we can start our own blog on Ronnie’s blog). Another necessary element is social attraction. I have dated guys that I adored when we were alone, but who hurt me when we were in social situations (they were jerks, but not atypical). The messages are entirely confusing when they waver.
I do agree that it’s usually obvious when a girl is interested in a guy- feel the water before jumping in. Some girls are also jerks- we (speaking for my species and, at times, myself) need to know that we’re attractive. We revel in the idea that somebody’s interested in us, but we’re not always interested in dating Mr. Interested. So, I just totally contradicted myself—it’s obvious, but we may be tricking you. Sorry Ronnie- I see why so many of your counterparts have thrown in the towel. Please don’t join them.
i have to disagree ronnie... yes, generally white girls have this overly idealistic concept of a knight in shining armor with twinkling eyes and little stars coming out of his smile... but girls like me ( you know from meh-hee-co), have grown up with tales like "don't get in a car with a boy because he might have a tail and hooves for feet".. so yeah i grew up thinking guys were the devil! (and i'm sorry to say that not much has changed that perspective). this awkward example may seem totally irrelevant.. but i guess what i am trying to say is that you should not throw all girls out of the picture with this hasty generalization... maybe some are intimidated and just as nervous and feel just as vulnerable as you (and other boys, i am sure) do. i know this may sound rather obnoxious and chliched but i think being single is awesome! it is a great time for organic and honest reflection and improvement and growth! so i don't mind being single (not bagging a date to yule e&c) and as i see it, the longer you are single the more growth you have and so if i get married by the time i am 30 i am going to be one hot catch! at any rate... i apologize for the optimism because i know you know this already.
ANYHOW!!! i would recomend reading into the body language of whomever you might be pursuing. if her feet are facing you when you are talking, and if you are sitting down, check to see if she leans towards you... this should not be interpreted as "oh she has bad posture" in my experience of being a girl for two decades (you know i analyze things) i know that this is definitly a green light! being assertive is attractive, but over-doing it is actually freaky. it is good to show interest, but not too much! leave some ambiguity it will provoke interest. and guard your heart, when guys fall in love with every girl they meet it not only hurts their heart.. it hurts their rep. i don;t know if you have noticed, but girls know how to network, and someone who is clingy or falls in love too easily.. well girls interpret that as insecure, immature, lost, scary and annoying.
but yeah.. that whole little section up there was really girly and so i apologize, you should probably just omit everything i just said. and i will leave you with this instead. in essence, dating is obnoxious/ retarded/ annoying (and it is probably even worse on your end because you don't even get free food).. but i think it might be intended to be. you see, if every girl said yes, if every girl fell head over heels in love with you, if every girl threw themselves in the mudd to kiss your feet, you would not appreciate your wife as much. so i guess it will make your love making more... i don't know appreciative.. haha
peace out my friend
Can we limit the lengths of our comments here? I don't need blogs written as comments, and I don't need people to necessarily agree or disagree with me. I'm also not generalizing in haste. These feelings have developed over the past 8 yrs, and I'm not writing off all girls. I'm writing off the whole game of reading signals, and body language, and all this systematic dating BS because it's all crap. what works for one person doesn't work for others, so to say that one should look for this or do this is pointless.
sorry, i was really bored and supposed to be writing a paper, and well i was kind of lonely so isuppose i was being so lengthy because i wanted to have a conversation... haha i am a looser! andyhow! today my friend told me that my long time hairy crush has a girlfriend ! i was so crushed! and i realized that i lied! anyhow:
1. i had no intentions of writing a poem on my blog, you thought that was poetic?
2. we need to chat soon because i have all of this weird stuff happening... i am moving off campus next semester but not sure yet... either a.) my parent's house or b.) chicago.. the home of.... da bears.
3. i hope all is well
4. i am sorry again for being obnoxious! i just haven't talked to you in a while!
5. peace
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